The Naked Truth

It’s a good thing that Australia is all the way on the other side of the planet because my worst nightmare is somehow getting mixed up in the World Naked Bike Ride:

The World Naked Bike Ride combines the two things I believe people shouldn’t flaunt publicly: their exuberance, and their genitals. Sure, there’s a time and a place for both, but I shouldn’t have to deal with either of them on my way to work. However, some people feel quite differently, and they relish being surrounded by a bunch fellow riders whose ass cheeks are indistinguishable from their saddlebags:

The idea of World Naked Bike Ride participants trying vigorously and vainly to wipe things off of each other’s faces and other body parts is now going to haunt my dreams.

Of course, this is Australia, so while the participants won’t be wearing clothes, they will be wearing helmets:

It seems to me if you really wanted to make a point about liberating cyclists from the tyranny of fossil fuels and the motor vehicle industrial complex you’d have a World Helmetless Bike Ride. It doesn’t even make sense from a safety perspective, because if you’re going to fall off your bike, which would you rather be wearing: a helmet, or pants? “Sure, I’ve got a saddle sore the size of a cantaloupe on my scranus and road rash along the entire length of my penis, but thank goodness I was wearing a helmet!” But I guess people in Australia are so deeply conditioned that they can ride around naked and in helmets without experiencing any cognitive dissonance.

And speaking of saddle sores, why drag the poor innocent bicycle into this disgusting mess, anyway? Wouldn’t the ideal vehicle for riding naked be an e-scooter?

I’m not a huge fan of them myself, but objectively speaking there’s really no better contraption for naked riding, since you get maximum visibility and minimal crotchal chafing, not to mention excellent airflow around and through your undercarriage.

But of course the World Naked Bike Ride isn’t about practical considerations, it’s about “desexualizing the human body:”

Hey, how’s that working out for you, Australia?

And don’t forget the most important consideration at all–the climate!

The conspiracy should be obvious to anyone who’s read the latest Trek Sustainability Report:

Did you know they’re painting their bikes with organic materials now?

Their logo is even made from “biomass waste:”

Here’s what biomass waste means:

World Naked Bike Ride? Body paint? Paint made from biomass waste?!?

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION NOW???

That’s right, within five years the cycling industry is going to do away with clothing altogether. Instead, you’ll ride naked, and they’ll sell you a can of manure and sewage sludge to paint yourself with before the big ride. Maybe it’ll even come with a whole banana peel you can use as a chamois.

But let’s not lose sight of the fact that the biggest source of Trek’s emissions isn’t the paint, or the clothing, or even the helmets. It’s the bicycles themselves:

Seems pretty clear to me that Trek should stop making bikes.