Heads up! Just when it was safe to completely check out, packs of young ne’er-do-wells on electric Citi Bikes are coming for your headphones:
The parent and “reactionary” (as a commenter referred to me recently) in me is outraged and disgusted by the craven behavior of these youths and their wanton disregard for the law, while the victim-blaming New Yorker in me is astonished that anybody feels comfortable walking around in public wearing $600 headphones:
Look, I’m not justifying the thieves’ behavior in any way. Nobody is entitled to steal, and nobody deserves to get robbed, and you should be safe to wear the fruits of your labor (or in this case of your father’s labor) proudly as you walk around the city. Still, there’s the way things should be and the way they are, and this really does feel like walking around with $100 bills taped to your head.
That’s why I always wear camouflage headphones:
If someone’s not already selling hair covers for these things then there’s your million dollar idea, you’re welcome.
Of course, smart politicians know better than to blame juvenile delinquents or people wearing expensive headphones. If you’re going to pander, the smart move is to blame the e-bikes:
It seems like everybody in New York City is riding e-bikes, and everybody in New York also hates them, kind of like how Taylor Swift is the biggest pop star in the world and also gets booed at the Super Bowl. There’s certainly plenty about e-bikes that annoy me, too, though of course the situation is far more nuanced than the politicians and the anti-e-bike set make it out to be, and I’m not so far gone as to forget there’s a big difference between a bike with an electrical assist and this goddamn thing, which should be rolled right off the Manhattan Bridge:
Smug as they may be, Streetblog is also right that there’s more to e-bikes than just “chaos:”
And that the real victims in all of this will surely be Brooklyn dads named Silas who shuttle their kids around on e-bikes:
Though I don’t know how helpful it is for them to point this out, since the only thing that makes certain New Yorkers angrier than roving packs of hoodlums is Brooklyn dads named Silas who shuttle their kids around on e-bikes. They’re even more despised than food delivery people.
As for me, I just remain glad that e-bikes have made people in New York City forget how much they hate regular bikes, and have also made bike thieves completely uninterested in them. I realize I’m tempting fate in the worst possible way by saying this, but I’ll nevertheless share that I don’t particularly worry when locking up a bike like this anymore:
It’s now the food delivery industry that’s driving the bicycle black market, which is why they’ll stab you with a screwdriver for your e-bike:
Meanwhile, nobody’s doing DoorDash on a Platypus, and you can’t fit a 30-piece crew pack from Wingstop in a Sackville BagBoy. It’s not even insulated for chrissake! Sure, I suppose someone from the RBW Owners Bunch could cyberstalk me and steal my Zefal frame pump, but overall I like my odds.
No, I’d worry a lot more if I rode a bicycle hearse, because you could fit a shitload of Uber Eats in that baby:
Apparently it’s from France. Did somebody say, “Rene Hearse?”
Sorry.
But yes, it’s perfect for that environmentally friendly funeral service you’ve been planning:
What, you mean you haven’t been considering your green burial options?
I’m not sure why they were afraid to G**gle it. I did, and it took me two seconds to learn that aquamation is the way to go:
I’m sold. When I’m gone just aquamate me and put me in the cat box:
It’s the cycle of life.
Speaking of burning out, Roger De Vlaeminck has had it with These Kids Today:
If they’re not running around stealing headphones then they’re afraid of burning out too quickly by racing too much:
In fact it makes him sick:
Perhaps they could learn a thing or two about fortitude from this rider:
Apparently he traded in camel cheese and even had to perform his own dentistry with a multi-tool:
It’s really amazing what some people will do to avoid actually working.
