I am The Trade Machine Moron

The following is a work of fiction and not at all what happens to me every year as the offseason begins.

Ok, the season is over, time to shift into offseason mode. There’s a lot of work to do to make this team better, so let’s get down to business. Bill Simmons calls himself the Trade Machine Maestro. Surely I can do as well as he can, right? I’ve already listened to several podcasts and their crazy ideas, I’m on social media and I see all those terrible ideas, it is time to show everyone how this is really done.

(Cracks knuckles, grabs cup of coffee, pulls up a chair to the desk where the laptop is actually plugged into a keyboard and screen – because this is serious business)

First things first, I’m deciding to use the Spotrac Trade Machine because it is the most accurate, detailed, and real-life model that’s out there. No, Keith Smith didn’t pay me to say this, but if I used anything else I’m sure I would get an email from him. “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

Let’s start off in the obvious place: trading Jrue Holiday. He is a great guy, everyone loves him, and he was a real difference maker for us, but he’ll be more useful for someone else next year and he’s not getting any younger (as he gets more expensive). I don’t believe people that say he has no trade value and we’ll have to attach a pick to get off his salary. Someone will talk themselves into being just a Jrue away from contending.

Oh, and I’m purposely not going to use the “just use Brooklyn to match salaries” crutch. That’s too easy (and in my opinion, unrealistic since they’ll have no shortage of options).

Everyone’s already done the Jrue to Dallas or Jrue to the Clippers ideas. That’s boring. How about Jrue to Orlando? (Picks Boston and Orlando and leaves it at the default 2024-25 year, …because why not)

Jrue to Orlando is the easy part. Mental note that I’m sending out $30M in salary. I know Orlando is not a cap space team but I can’t remember all the details of their books. The machine will tell me when I’ve gone too far.

Who do I like on Orlando that is reasonably available? I like Wendell Carter Jr., even if he’s never really fulfilled his draft night comps to Al Horford. Plug that in. See the machine is already telling me that I need to send out $10.3M more salary from Orlando. Mo Wagner fits that pretty well and he’s an expiring contract. Still, I wasn’t a big fan of him the first time around in Boston and I don’t know if Orlando would want to trade Franz’s brother. Putting that aside as a deal that actually works, but I’m not sure if it is worth it for Orlando.

Moving on, how about the Pistons? They could use an adult in the room to teach them how to take the next step. They also have a lot of mid-sized contracts that could break up the Jrue salary into smaller chunks. Beef Stew would be fun and fills a need for us. Still need to add about $7M more in salary. I’d love to grab Jaden Ivey from them, but I think that’s a bit unrealistic. A lot of people seem to like Simone Fontecchio (I’ll take their word for it). That trade works and shaves $7M off the books.

See, this stuff is easy. All you have to do is ignore the voice in your ear screaming at you that you have no idea what the other team would want and how impossible it is to put yourself in the shoes of all the other GMs in the league.

Let’s go bigger. This is shaping up to be the summer of trades, so let’s get some huge mulit-team deals moving some superstars. In my best Casablanca voice “round up the usual suspects.” Bucks, Rockets, Suns, Spurs, Nets (for contracts), and of course the Celtics. Let’s start out with sending Giannis to the Rockets and Durant to the Spurs and see what happens. The trade machine is currently weeping, I think I broke its will.

You know, this is too hard to visualize in this model. I’m going to use one of the less reliable versions to be ultra creative. (Cue the 80’s movie style montage of me typing and clicking furiously while a bouncy tune plays in the background)

I wake up from a stupor and it is dark outside now, but when I look up at the screen this is what I see:

I’ve done it. I’m not exactly sure what “it” is, but this surely is …something. I’m pretty sure someone would owe someone else draft picks, but honestly I don’t think I can go any further into this black hole to figure it out. Don’t bother me with technicalities and silly things like facts.

That’s all for me for now. I could do this all day, but I don’t think that would be terribly good for my mental health. I will have to wait for the next trade rumor to inspire me to check and see if it actually works.

We all know that we’ll spend the next month dreaming up crazy trade ideas and then Brad Stevens will somehow pull of a masterful deal that none of ever even considered would be possible.